At This Point

So, I met with my rabbi last week, because I wanted to talk about my need to find more fulfilling ways to live as a Jew. I explained that I don't find Shabbat services that meaningful right now, at least not as a whole. The liturgy seems so abstracted right now, so disconnected from my life. The words are dry, when they're not objectionable to me (e.g., the claims regarding chosenness, the traditional pleas for G-d's enemies to be destroyed). I'm not making any progress in learning Hebrew, given my teaching load and writing-related workload. I haven't been as careful as I need to be in Shabbat mindfulness; I let too many weekly obligations sift into that time, instead of truly laying down the week.

He was very understanding and genuinely sympathetic. One thing that keeps me at this synagogue, perhaps the most important thing, is my relationship with him. What matters to me even more than his kindness, though, is his invitation that we meet regularly to study together. I'm going to read The Sabbath, and we'll just see where the conversation takes us.

In addition, I've committed myself to doing the following:

1. Go to morning minyan. This might seem like a strange choice, given how unmeaningful the liturgy is right now to me. Perhaps, but I am trying to create a bit of daily spiritual discipline. Besides, my sense is that the liturgy matters less than being with Am Yisrael, yeah?

2. Develop a kind of midday ritual. Right now, I will read Heschel, just a bit, each day, along with a few minutes of what might be meditation ("Do I know from meditation?," he asks.) but which in any case will involve shutting my eyes and just paying attention to my breathing. And I'll see where that conversation takes me.

3. Develop a kind of evening ritual. Right now, I will simply read a psalm (or part of one) before sleeping, along with saying Hashkivenu. And I'll see where that conversation takes me.

4. Let Shabbat be Shabbat. I will work harder during the week, but when Erev Shabbat comes around, I'll also let the work slough off, no matter what's unfinished. And do my best to let it all go, not merely in terms of my actions but also mentally, until Havdalah.

Baruch atah Adonay Eloheinu Melech ha'o'lam sheh'heh'cheh'ya'nu veh'ki'yeh'ma'nu veh'he'g'a'nu laz'man ha'zeh.